8 Ways To Stop Settling


8 Reasons why you should stop Settling for Less and GET what you Deserve

If you are alive and healthy you are truly blessed beyond measure already and the world, whether you believe it or not, is your canvas, not the other way around. You can do whatever you want to do and limitations are only what we place on ourselves or allow others to place on us through their limited vision and perspectives. I want to share with you 8 things that have helped me tremendously in changing and continuing to change my life for the better.

Who are you Calling your Friends?

What exactly are you getting out of the friendships that you currently have. Are you building from them are is the foundation weak and unsteady and the building dated and out of code for your goals and desires?

Are your friendships aiding you in progressing, regressing, or stagnating? It’s not on our friends to do all the work, it should be reciprocal at best. If you’re not feeding each other or if you’re eating the same thing over and over, it’s time to upgrade the menu to try something you’ve never had. There is no law that says you can’t love certain people from a distance.

If you have people in your life and you find yourself walking on eggshells around them to protect their feelings but they can say anything to you and about you with no regard or concern for your feelings it’s not the time to evaluate it’s time to separate.

There are some people who refuse to take any responsibility for their shortcomings but are always available to remind you of your own. When that happens, remind yourself that there is garbage to be taken out and placed on the curb. Your house is starting to stink

During the pandemic, many people, including myself, were incredibly blessed to have people walk out of their lives for no reason available to them. Eventually, you realize the universe has done for you what you should have done for yourself a long time ago.

Your life has value and there is no longer room for certain things that devalue your existence. The purging of the universe during COVID did that for you. To that end, amazing people from all walks of life who bring greater value to your life will appear from nowhere but were probably always within your reach. You may have already experienced this. The difference is you have developed a greater love for yourself everything that has been in your way falls to the wayside.

Whenever I am in Costco I’m always amazed at how I constantly see people roll up with these huge TVs to the counter in those flat carts. Costco’s TV business does extremely well because people are constantly buying bigger and bigger and bigger TVs to put in the same place and do the same thing. Watch TV.

You NEVER see anyone buy a small TV or bring their TV back and ask for their money back. What’s the end game to that? Going home and watching other people be great? What’s wrong with traveling the world (post-pandemic) and exploring the outdoors and taking a road trip with the ones you love or by yourself to some of those places you are watching other people enjoy on TV. Live is to be LIVED not watched.

Your Dreams are YOUR Business

It is absolutely nobody’s business what you want to do with your life. It completely depends on your situation. Whenever you include other people in your plans, you are really asking for their permission and you are almost always doomed.

Why do you need their permission or opinion about something that YOU want to do? Tell them about it AFTER you do it and if they get mad because you didn’t tell them it’s because they didn’t have a chance to control your decision or to change your mind. That’s not their job. This is a keen indication that you are spending time with the wrong people. You want a support system not a LACK of support system.

We Pay for What We Store

Have you ever been unhappy about where you were living and you went and bought things for the place thinking that’ll make you feel better about it? (besides the previous TV example). A new couch, new TV, a new whatever but in a month you’re right back where you started but with a house full(er) of furniture that has anchored you even more in your aloneness, frustration, and lack of fulfillment?

I was in a storage place about 2 months ago and I told the guy I wanted to store some things and I would be back in a few months and he said something that I already KNEW but it hit me hard.

He said, “If you are moving out of town take your stuff with you or get rid of it. If you leave it here it will anchor you.”

I had to stop and think about what he was saying as he went on. “You know, I have a guy who has been a customer for 17 years. He moved to Canada and he’s been paying for that storage space all this time.”

That statement can be taken in more than one way, there are things that you are done with and can walk away from but you hang on to them for ……. for what? Chapters of our lives are closed but we can’t let them go which means we can’t grow.

That had to be about close to $100,000 he spent on that space for furniture that the manager said was valued at about $3000. Consider what that man lost by holding on to something that he should have been done with. In the end, we pay for what we store. Be it feelings, friends, jobs, family, health, etc. But we get a RETURN for what we wisely INVEST in ourselves.

This pandemic has allowed us to spend time with ourselves and to truly love ourselves and/or face ourselves. When you LOVE yourself it’s much easier not to be attached to “things” and to let go of what doesn’t work or doesn’t feel good to you. That’s a plus NOT a minus. He could have purchased or invested that $100,000 and earned interest. There is no interest earned on things we are no longer interested IN. We pay for what we store.

If Something no Longer Fits, Stop Wearing it

If you have a favorite shirt that you can no longer wear but you want to be able to save it so that you can get back into it one day, the problem is it will probably be out of style even if you can get into it, look forward to buying a NEW shirt in the same size instead.

Whether it’s your job, the city you live in the people you know, the body you have the mentality that you have, or the money you make if it no longer fits you stop wearing it. And go shopping for something that you enjoy and that does fit.

Walk in Silence

For those who say that’s easier said than done, I say to you… it’s easier DONE than SAID. Because no matter how many times you say it, it means nothing if it’s not DONE. Why do you need to SAY what you KNOW you need to DO to anyone but yourself and the universe and proceed forth?

I heard a saying that was so profound it stopped me in my tracks. The world is full of lonely people who were afraid to take a chance. Opportunities present themselves to us every single day. We don’t act on them. You increase your odds of getting what you want by 100% by just asking. Even if you don’t get it, you are still 50% richer for having the answer and you are able to move on to the next opportunity with no regrets or questions.

When we are younger we took forever to get to know someone in the hopes that we could develop a relationship just to find out a year later that they were interested in someone else or we were wrong about them. As you get older you don’t have that kind of time … right? The truth is you didn’t have it when you were younger either, you still wasted time. Ask for what you want before you have a chance to think about it and convince yourself not to do it.

But don’t give up if the answer is no in one circumstance say, a refund that is beyond 30 days. The trick is to keep asking different people. I cannot tell you about the many miracles that have happened in my life just by asking for something, stoping someone, creating something, or putting my request out to the universe.

Ask and you SHALL receive… SOMETHING. Don’t ask you SHALL receive … NOTHING.

Protect Your Mental Health

Photo by todd kent on Unsplash

I’ve been to therapy in the past and I believe it works for some people but I never got how rehashing the pain from the past in your life each week helps you to heal. But I can see how it makes you dependent on the therapist.

If you are going to get therapy, try Cognitive Therapy. A majority of our problems is not as much our past as it is how we relate to circumstances via triggers BECAUSE of our past. The way we THINK is what keeps us in bondage.

Cognitive Therapy is a much shorter approach and is like taking a class, it’s pretty simple and will save you the next 20 years of sitting on a couch each week rehearsing your old pain.

Word to the wise MANY therapists are dishonest and they SAY they do Cognitive Therapy but they don’t they add it to their resume because it’s so popular. You want someone who has been certified and trained not someone looking to lure you in then flip the script on you for 20 years on the couch. Educate yourself more about Cognitive Therapy here.

It’s all our programming. You would be amazed at how wrong you probably are about so many things because of your past experiences and you could be completely wrong in your conclusion because your mother felt that way and it’s your training that has become an unproven core belief. But she was wrong too. A cynic is always correct by determining the outcome/answer because they never ask the question, which makes it incredibly easy to predict the answer which is always no.

If you think,. for example, someone is mad at you because you have not heard from them in a while, test your theory and give them a call. You may be shocked to find out they have been going through some things and meant to call you and they are glad to hear from you. I can’t say what might work for you but for me challenging my negative thoughts and asking for what I want has worked wonders.

6. If it’s Running, Stop Chasing it …

If someone is not interested in you for whatever reason and you find that you call them more than they call you or you are always making the first move they are letting you know you are merely an option who is not on their list of priorities. Cross them off YOUR list.

I promise that once you make up in your mind you are greater than that you will hear from them. It’s almost as if people can feel that disconnect from a distance and they know they have been taking you for granted. You can decide if you want to continue but the older I get the less I believe in second chances. It has been extremely rare that people change who they are but you can change how you feel about them and what you need to do with your connection to them.

Put yourself in their shoes, if you are not interested in someone you NEVER call them they always call you first. Friendships and relationships should be beneficial to BOTH parties or they have no value.

Keep Negatively to a Minimum

I know a woman who is very successful. She is overweight and insecure, she covers it by being elitist. She says the worst things about black men and how Black men have destroyed the black community and are worthless but she is desperately lonely for a black man.

She talks negatively about black men all the time to everyone who will listen and gets furious if you don’t agree with her. When a black man shows any kind of interest in her she puts on her elitist mask and she treats him like sh. Then she says “See what I mean” when he walks off.

I told her she needs therapy. She is an extreme self-saboteur. The very thing that she wants she feels she doesn’t deserve so she pushes it away. Her friends are exhausted hearing her put down black men all the time and no matter how many of them tell her that she is her own worst enemy she doesn’t want to hear it. Until she changes, her story will always be the same. You can’t desire something and have pure contempt for it at the same time and get good results.

Live and Let Live

I was on Facebook one day and someone had pictures of a black man wearing a skirt and women’s shoes. He had a beard and looked very masculine in spite of the women’s clothes. The woman who posted the picture said “Somebody needs to kick his a$#.”

This is someone I’ve known for many years who was very successful and worked in the entertainment industry. Several other black people on the thread agreed with her and were speaking negatively of the man.

There was a time I would have kept silent and not participated in the conversation but this was not one of those times. I responded. While I would not wear what he has on if it brings that man one single ounce of joy to wear those shoes and that dress then so be it, the only thing that’s on you is to STFU and live and let live. He’s not wearing it for YOU he’s wearing it for him. He’s living his life, live yours.

Nobody on the thread said a word. I used to talk about people and called it comedy. I was really doing it because I have been talked about and I used that dark humor to take the attention off of me. As a result, I didn’t have many quality people in my life at the time because you attract the seeds that you plant.

I didn’t know it but I was coming off as a person who was petty and not trustworthy and that didn’t coincide with the core of who I am. It was not my intention but I could see how that could be concluded.

We are our OWN worst enemy and a walking resume. What you say about others is a reflection of who you are and what’s in your heart. I stopped talking about people and I don’t deal with people who talk about people anymore because it is true, if someone talks about others behind their backs as soon as your back is turned … you’re next.